If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world. -C.S. Lewis
My heart has been very heavy for the past few months and I've been working with my spiritual director to pin point some of the reasons I'm feeling this way. Pardon me if I get pretty honest... recently I've wondered if there are any blogs out there that talk about how other people have dealt with the struggles I'm enduring, but I'm not even sure of how to go about searching for such blogs... So I figured I'd write my own with the hope that maybe someday, someone else will need to read what I've posted here.
So here's a few things that are weighing on my heart: 1. stuggles with a desire to be alone and quiet at home when I live with a roommate (not that my roommate is bad- just how to be cordial when I'm not feeling social and want to have quiet). 2. I want to be at the barn full time but that's not an option right now. 3. Grieving the loss of multiple close family friends last year. 4. Grieving the loss of a good friend, who was eventually a boyfriend, and moving beyond that relationship. 5. Wrestling with God to understand His will and decipher His voice from my own from the devil.
Some may think I'm venting or seeking attention by spelling out my struggles- I'm not. I'm simply trying to be honest with where I am. So often I feel like people feel the need to share only the "good" online and then the minute they share sad or tough news, someone gets perturbed and thinks the person who made the post is negative or pessimistic. I hope you can understand my intent here is simply to be me and hope that some day someone else will be inspired. While sometimes I dooo feel guilty for being honest with my emotions, I also believe strongly that everyone carries a cross- they may look different or be made of different materials but some weight the same.
SO. I want to expand a little on the 5th item I mentioned above. I'm realizing this is one of the most difficult things to learn in life. In fact, I don't think we ever really learn how to easily decipher God's voice from our own from the devil. There are obvious times we know who we're listening to- thoughts of shame, discouragement, negativity or criticism towards ourselves and others? Definitely the devil. Thoughts of joy, encouragement, positive outlooks, and acceptance? Thoughts of God. Okay great, glad we have a solid understanding of who's who. But then what about discernment of decisions and career paths and relationships!? My mom and dad have told me that this has been an issue since I was young. Unsure of how to make decisions at restaurants to the point of crying in the restaurant, unsure of how to make a decision with friends for fear of not pleasing someone, etc... Well, I still struggle with this today. I'm learning that I've been very blessed with the gift of hearing God very clearly at times. This is such a gift and yet such a struggle because A. I question myself and everything wayyyy too much (i.e. I'm a woman) and B. sometimes the things I hear in prayer are difficult to share with others because they seem so outlandish and crazy. I'll share an example of hearing the voice of God-- Rewind to May 2012. I was planning to stay a 2nd year with GSV in New Jersey as a volunteer. One Sunday, I got to church by accident 30 minutes early. I decided to sit and pray and as I prayed, I felt an overwhelming sense of God suddenly telling me I needed to return to Colorado. I immediately started listing my sadness and fears: "But I'm so happy in New Jersey! I'm the best "me" I've ever been! I LOVE the work I'm doing at Collier! I don't have a job! I don't have a car! I don't have a place to live aside from my parents house! My resume isn't ready!" Then God quietly said, "You're going to have to trust me"... (insert gulp here)... Throughout the following weeks, scripture I read would constantly affirm the idea of trusting God and His will for me to return to Colorado. Fast forward almost 3 years, I've been working at a design firm for almost 2.5 years, my dad helped me in the search for a car after I got home so I now drive my own car, and guess what, I've always had a roof over my head. Praise Him! Anddddd once again I believe I have heard the voice of God in my life now and question his capacity. I'm back at the point I was in the church in New Jersey. I've struggled with thoughts of "is this actually just me and am I being a crazy overthinking woman? If nothing is "working out" as I thought God foretold, should I choose other paths? Or not question but continue in child-like "Abraham" faith to believe that someday, somehow, God will make this a part of my life and be pleased with my loyalty to Him? Should I look back on paths I've taken before that have been happy even though they came to a dead end? maybe they dead ended for a reason even though I thought they were "good"? This post is starting to get long... But this is where I am in the struggle. Just very unsure. Struggling to trust. Struggling to know if I'm listening to God. Struggling to know how to heal my heart and carry on from last year.
I'll leave you with this... All of my post above seems like a wrestling match with my thoughts and God. It physically feels like that. Soooo this past week I went to daily mass twice (once rarely happens so this was a true gift) and simply sat without intention of doing anything. To be present there and not be hard on myself for getting distracted, to allow my thoughts to wonder with God, to listen to the readings without expectations, and to simply be. I will say the two daily masses I attended last week were more fruitful than any masses I've been to in the past 3-6 months. That tells me God desires us to simply beeeee with Him. We may not know what to say or pray. Just say "Jesus". That in itself is a prayer I've found to be so life-giving. It reminds us of the presence of God and allows us to simply be present back to Him. The peace I felt at daily mass last week was not of this world. I have never ever experienced that same peace after any event or activity that is of this world. The only place I've ever felt it before has been at the Mass, in the presence of the living God... C.S. Lewis was on to something there...
