Wow it's been over a year since I posted. I suppose that's appropriate for this post- I was sitting journaling/praying this morning and had some great insight I wanted to share.
Work has been really intense this year and life has gotten heavy on various occasions for various reasons. My faith has been so-so and I think I've actually turned away from it at times recently. I just worked a couple 60+ hour weeks which has been taxing in more ways than I was aware. This profession has waves of overtime like this so it's not something new, but it's never fun. So... having sent a big set of drawings out the door Friday, I left work early. I came home and went for a run (and by run, I mean the first day of Couch to 5K so it was a walk with a few seconds of jogging ha), and decided to sit and journal. My journaling didn't feel fruitful. It was just me complaining about the same crap I've been complaining about. Yesterday, I sat down again in the morning to journal. Got about a page on my notebook and didn't feel anything "fruitful" so I stopped. This morning, I sat down and had what I'd call "journal vomit"... pages and pages. I was inspired by the holy spirit to write about how important it is to take quiet time, especialyyyyy when things are so chaotic around you. I realized that I've been running around a million miles an hour and while i've been "trying" to make quite time, it hasn't actually been quiet. It's 5 minutes over breakfast when I'm really trying to rush through breakfast so I can get to work early before the emails start flowing and people start coming to my desk. It's 5 minutes after church to tell God that I'm questioning a lot in my life right now about my dreams and the way I see my life unfolding, but I'm not totally quiet because the people around me are visiting and I'm also thinking about how I need to go grocery shopping on my way home. It's on the way to work in the car when I'm trying to navigate traffic and might get distracted thinking about my tasks for the day........ These are not quiet situations. I've been trying to do too much. This morning, God revealed to me that I need to make more quiet time. Truly quiet. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." - Proverbs 3:5-6. This verse struck me in a unique way this morning. I've been trying to make sense of everything around me on my own terms in the midst of all the movement. Trying to control my situation or control the outcomes of my work or relationships. Haha God's like, "Wrongo. Try again." I've been sitting in this cloud of dust from so much movement that it's been so hard to know what's God's Will vs what the world is telling me vs what am I telling myself. God quieted my heart this morning for me to see that when I have so much going on and don't know the next steps forward, the best thing to do is be still. Make that quiet space so that when God moves your heart, it's clear that it is Him and not the rattling of the world around us. He also showed me that the last couple days of prayer that have felt "unfruitful" were actually exactly what He needed in order to reveal more to me this morning. Those couple days of "unfruitful" prayer were landing pads for me to get my feet back under me and it was only by the grace of God that I had any motivation to sit down again this morning and "endure" another half hour of "unfruitful" prayer. My point is that it didn't happen right away. I wasn't immediately inspired and feeling close to God the first couple days I sat down to pray. Kate recently quoted her yoga instructor who said something along the lines of "we become what we practice. And we become good at what we practice". That's just it. I'm practicing quietude. Practicing allowing God back in my life. Practicing focusing on Him rather than the world. It's going to take time, but at least I know (I think!) that I've landed.
