Helping Hands

A good friend from high school, Sonja, lived about 2 miles west of my parents' house when we were in school. About two weeks ago, her parents' house was lifted off of the foundation by a tornado and shattered into the adjacent field. Insurance can be troubling, as we all know, and they have many immediate expenses that are not covered by insurance. I went over to help pick up the field a little bit today and they said they've been so grateful for the outpouring of love and donations of food and money, but it's starting to tapper off a little since the initial shock is also tapering. It's so neat to see our little town of Berthoud rally together for these kind of tragedies, but we as a small town can only do so much. I've copied a link below to a fundraising site for Sonja's family to help cover some of the immediate costs that insurance will not cover. Any amount is a great help. Please also join me in praying for their family and all affected by the recent tornadoes.

http://www.gofundme.com/koldewynfamily?fb_action_ids=10152938660528848&fb_action_types=og.shares&fb_ref=16_fb_px&fb_source=other_multiline&action_object_map=%5B914995361893570%5D&action_type_map=%5B%22og.shares%22%5D&action_ref_map=%5B%2216_fb_px%22%5D

Seeking to Return My Love for His Love

"I propose to have no other purpose in all my activities, either interior or exterior, other than the motive of love alone, by constantly asking myself: "Now what am I doing in this action? Do I love God?" If I should notice any obstacle to pure love, I shall take myself in hand and recall that I must seek to return my love for His love." - St. Teresa Margaret

I receive a daily quote/meditation via email and today's quote from St. Teresa Margaret struck a cord in my heart. Man, we can learn so much from the saints! They lived so honestly in their "human-ness" and yet remained so completely saturated in God's love and truth. 

The quote from St. Teresa Margaret hit me today especially after a session of spiritual direction focused on how to improve self-love and gratitude for the person God has made me to be in spirit, mind and body. I think I speak for many women when I say it is a struggle some days to accept who we are- again- in spirit, mind and/or body. I've come to realize that I/we sometimes rely too much on outside resources (i.e. actions I make, outcomes of situations, feedback from friends and family) to build up self-love/worth. When people are not pleased with me, I am not pleased with myself. When a situation turns sour due to a decision I made, I become sour with myself. So I return to the quote above... "What am I doing in this action? Do I love God?" Are the thoughts I have of myself loving of God's creation (me!)? Mmmmm doesn't sound like it ;) If my interior activities are not out of love, how could my exterior activities be loving? I think it's probably like putting mud in an engine to fuel a truck when you're trying to help someone move...  You're trying to help by offering a truck to move all of their stuff, but the truck isn't going to run very far, therefore, not helping at all! haha... ok maybe that's a stretch. But you get my point. We must learn to love ourselves through our internal activities and feed ourselves TRUTH in order to 1. return God's love that He freely gives us 2. appreciate the love He freely gives us and 3. to purely love others. So howww do we feed ourselves truth from day to day? Of course, prayer and scripture. My spiritual director also suggested I make a list of things I like about myself and choose one item each day to thank God for throughout the day. A friend told me she was told to look in the mirror each day and tell yourself that God loves you. We were made in the image and likeness of God, so diving into God's truth and loving ourselves is in fact loving God himself! My spiritual director said that if we are completely focused on God and truly believe in His love for us, we will have no reason for fear, jealousy, envy, anxiety, etc because we will be satisfied with God's beautiful creation (that's you and me!).

I love the last part of that quote that reads "I shall take myself in hand"... I picture picking myself up off the floor and going for a walk, hand-in-hand with myself, as a gentle mother or father parents a child and tries to help them learn from mistakes. I pray that all of us might find a peaceful path to walk, hand-in-hand with ourselves, as we seek to "return [our] love for His love" through gratitude of that love and His creativity in making you and me. 

Friends of the Bible

I've been thinking a lot recently about a couple friendships in the Bible. The relationship between Simon of Cyrene and Jesus has always been an inspiration to me and recently, the relationship between Mary and Elizabeth while they are both pregnant has brought me a lot of joy. So here's my reflection on these two friendships... 


Simon Of Cyrene and Jesus
I may have already mentioned this friendship in a previous post but I am so moved by the image of Simon helping Jesus carry his cross. Even as I write this, my heart is stirring with happiness. I think it is critical that we recognize that Jesus, a man like us in all things but sin, humbled himself to accept help in carrying his cross. I know I have had to humbly accept help many times in my life and I am so grateful to the family, friends, therapists, and spiritual directors who have helped me carry my cross. It's not easy to accept help, especially in a world of "anything you can do, I can do." and "I'm in complete control of my life." and "I'll prove that I can do this on my own."... Again I emphasize, Jesus Christ humbly accepted help in carrying his cross. We were not born into this world to walk alone or in fear or in shame. Jesus came to the world so that we might live life to the fullest (John 10:10)! And yes, "in this world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world" (John 16:33). Jesus came so that we would have an example of the way to live and love so that we might have eternal life with him! Take heart! Look for the "Simon(s)" in your life. What a gift to have these family members, friends, advisors, coaches, spiritual directors, therapists, etc to help us carry our crosses. I encourage you and myself to accept the help when it comes and ask for it when you need it. It may not be easy, but what if it brings you into a fuller life united with Christ? So worth it. 


Mary and Elizabeth
My lenten reflection book that I mentioned in a previous post did a meditation on The Visitation (Luke 1:39-56) this week. I was very moved by the way the book broke down the story and keyed in on specific parts of the story. Mary had just been told by the Angel Gabriel that she was pregnant with the Son of God, and journeyed to visit Elizabeth who was also pregnant with John the Baptist. Here are a couple lines from the meditation: 

"Mary journeys "with haste": a desire to assist Elizabeth in her time of need... and, perhaps, a personal need to charter mystery of the Child conceived in her womb with the only one who, because of her own experience, may be able to understand...

The women speak... and both are filled with joy, both are strengthened in the task God has given them... I ask of the Lord the gift of such sharing with others in my own life..."

-An Ignatian Introduction to Prayer by Timothy M. Gallagher, OMV- Meditation 16

I love this image! What a perfect image of friendship! I recently met with my priest about my recent struggle to trust the gift of God's voice so strongly present in my prayer. It sometimes feels lonely and I question if it's God because any time I talk to others, they don't seem to understand. My priest asked me to pray for someone to come into my life that would understand this gift from God and be able to relate. My heart was so moved when I read the meditation above because I was joyful that Mary and Elizabeth had each other. They were filled with joy and were strengthened by the task God gave them! Mary stayed with Elizabeth for three months, so I can only imagine the comfort and help they brought to one another. I pray that you and I would find an Elizabeth in our lives-- someone who understands and brings us joy and strength in the tasks of our lives.  


So. I have to say again, I am so grateful for the people God has placed in my life. I have shared so much joy with so many people in the way Elizabeth and Mary rejoiced together. I've also shared so many struggles (both my own and those of other people) with so many people. Sometimes it's an unexpected new friendship or mentor, someone like Simon who was called out of a crowd to help Jesus. Sometimes it's a chat with a dear friend over the phone or over coffee. My encouragement to you and myself is to be a Simon and Elizabeth for others. You never know what crosses others may be carrying and perhaps you can relate. Also, pray for a Simon and Elizabeth in your life. Give thanks when you recognize their presence. Love one another as Christ has loved us. For "wherever two or three are gathered in My name, I am there in their midst." (Matthew 18:20).

Unbridled Trust

I have a few different things to reflect on this evening...
1. My Grandma
2. Part of the psalm from this weekend's readings
3. Trusting God

So I'll start by reflecting on the past week. My dad's mom, Agnes Skrobacz, passed away last Friday, February 27, 2015. My siblings and I flew out to join my parents in New Jersey. They had been there with her while she was in hospice. The viewing was this past Tuesday followed by the funeral mass on Wednesday. Family and friends gathered to tell many stories of her life- a life that was filled with laughter, determination, crocheted afghans and sweaters, and most of all, love. My grandmother committed her life to raising her 5 children and then loving her 10 grandchildren. I recall her coming to Colorado with my grandpa many times when we were young. She and my grandpa would bring one suitcase that was filled with toys and goodies for all of us. It was a Christmas of sorts each time they arrived to our house in Colorado. She loved visiting us and talked about coming back to visit us every time we talked. You ask how often we talked? Well, she called every Saturday. The conversations were typically the same each week: "How are ya? What's the weather like? Do you have enough food? Are you happy/do you like what you're doing?" That last question... Are you happy? She wanted to make sure I was happy. My heart grieves the loss of her unconditional love as a grandmother. I hope one day I can pass on some of that love to children and grandchildren. We also shared many many laughs with my grandma. As our family gathered this week, we shared endless stories of some of her sayings and habits that we all found quite humorous. I could go on and on about the stories of love and laughter about my grandma and maybe I'll share another post with more memories soon. For now, I'm grateful for the time I had with my family this week to honor her life. She will always be remembered for her unending love and may her soul rest in peace.

My grandparents in their early years

My grandparents with my siblings and me- all of us are wearing a sweater she crocheted in this picture :) 

My grandma and me - this captures her love so perfectly. My face looks concerned about something and yet she looks like she's trying to figure it out and make it okay for me. Love.

Most of the extended Skrobacz family- I believe this was 2009

For the second part of my post, I wanted to reflect on part of the Psalm from this weekend's readings. Psalm 19 reads:

"The law of the LORD is perfect,
refreshing the soul;
The decree of the LORD is trustworthy,
giving wisdom to the simple."

I have a couple thoughts on this. First, anywhere it says "refreshing" in the Bible, I find tremendous peace. It's one of my favorite words/expressions. I think that word and the context in which it is used is such a perfect description of the peace of God. "Refreshing" is restful, rejuvenating, life giving. Psalm 23 talks about the Lord leading us by still waters to refresh our souls. Again, such a perfect picture of the peace of God. The second part of Psalm 19 quoted above says "giving wisdom to the simple". I love this. I think this speaks to the wisdom that is found in simple silence. Silence is another way our souls can be refreshed. Silence brings simplicity to all that is around us. I love simplicity. It is a place of peace, wisdom, understanding, love, and is often the place God speaks to us. 

Ok I'm getting tired so one more final note about trusting God. I was praying tonight after mass and recalled a few times in my recent prayer when God has said "you're going to have to trust me". For some reason today the word "have" stuck out to me. I think God was helping me to see that it's not a "one foot in one foot out" kind of trust He desires from us. It's all or nothing. We just have to trust. Sometimes I feel unsure of "how" to trust, but that's exactly God's point in this- don't try to figure out "how" or have a plan for how to trust. Just do it! You have to! Easier said than done, but if we don't let our humanly thoughts and plans get in the way, we will find great peace resting our souls in the love and plans of God- it kind of ties in with that simple silence I reflected on with Psalm 19. God gives wisdom to the simple- not to our complex thoughts, worries, and plans. I pray that God would give me and you the grace to trust. Without question. With childlike, unbridled trust. The faith of Abraham. Lord, let us surrender all or nothing to you. 

Master, let me receive my sight!

I had the privilege of meeting many wonderful people in college. One of those people was my discipler through FOCUS. She and I have remained friends and I am so grateful for her example of walking a faith filled life. During college, she gave me the book An Ignatian Introduction to Prayer; Scriptural Reflections According to the Spiritual Exercises by Timothy M. Gallagher. It has meditations that walk you through scripture stories, prayerfully placing yourself within the story. I ordered a different book online to read as part of my Lenten added prayer, however, it hasn't come in the mail yet so I've been reading a meditation out of this Ignatian book each day instead. It has been so wonderful! Every day has spoken to my heart in a different way, and since it's been so life giving, I may just continue to do a meditation from this book and read the other book after I finish this one. There are 40 meditations in this book so it's pretty perfect for lent :) It feels refreshing to enjoy my prayer with these meditations and be reminded of the love and mercy of God. I'll be honest my prayer life has felt like more "work" than anything recently which feels exhausting to my relationship with God. I want to "play" more with God and simply "be" with Him, remembering his love, adoring Him and his greatness.

I wanted to share one of the meditations from this book- it's actually the first meditation of the book, and a great prayer for anyone. This is quoted right out of the book... I pray that it bring each of us renewed joy and a reminder of Jesus's call to us, his desire to bring us healing and love through his embrace: 

"SCRIPTURE READING 

As I begin, I become aware of the Lord present to me, looking upon me with love, desirous of speaking to my heart... 

Prayerfully I read Mark 10:46-52

MEDITATION

I see the crowds, the road as it leaves the city, the blind beggar seated by the road... I am there with him... perhaps I take his place, and, now, I am seated there, like him, waiting...

He seeks to come to Jesus out of his great need, and his hope that in Jesus he will find healing. But he is helpless to approach the Lord... I sense my own need, my own hope, my own helplessness.

I watch as he pours out his need and his hope in the repeated cry: "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!" His cry becomes the cry too of my heart: "Jesus... have mercy on me!" I make this prayer to the Lord...

Jesus hears this cry. He stops. He says to the crowd: "Call him." I hear them say to me: "Take heart; rise, he is calling you." I feel my heart begin to lift with new hope...

I stand before Jesus. Our eyes meet... I see his face, I hear his words, his question to my heart: "What do you want me to do for you?" Now Jesus and I are alone in the midst of a crowd. And I speak to him from my heart, unhurriedly. I dare to tell him all that I hope he will do for me... all that I hope for from this time of prayer... 

I say to him: "Master, let me receive my sight." Help me to see! Help me see my way clearly in the doubts and fears that my heart feels; help me to overcome the obstacle that keeps me from the closeness I desire with you...

And with Bartimaeus, I experience Jesus' word of healing... I sense the love that pours out from him and brings healing, brings new hope into my life...

I follow him along the way... 

AFTER THE PRAYER

What word in this Scripture most spoke to my heart?

What touched my heart in this time of prayer? What did my heart feel as I prayed? 

What did I sense the Lord saying to me?"

One last note- I felt freedom in my heart when I read the part about the crowd saying "take heart; rise, he is calling to you"... It was a great reminder to me that I may feel like a beggar on the ground, struggling to keep my head up, but every time we get to that point, Jesus calls us again. He calls us to rise from the dirt, to come to Him, to let Him wrap his arms around us and just be. We don't have to do anything to earn it. Just allow Him to call your name and comfort you. And so we continue this journey of lent rising to share our hearts with Jesus, even the ugly parts we don't like, and ask Him to give us new sight.

St Michael, Defend Us In Battle

I continue to struggle along this winding road.. this weekend my heart has been very heavy with a plethora of thoughts... here are a few... 

I've noticed recently that when I tell people that I've been convicted about something in prayer, most people say they don't hear God speak to them so strongly in prayer. I've questioned whether or not it's God's voice many times, especially since I seem to be out of line with how other people experience God. It's quite a struggle. Either it's God's voice and I've been given a great gift (however lonely I may feel in having this gift that others cannot relate to) or I'm completely insane and I've been following my own voice all along. I feel like I would be in a LOTTT more trouble if in fact I am just leading myself by way of my own thoughts all this time... which leads me to believe it isss God's voice. So how do I gratefully accept this as a gift and walk in a world that doesn't understand? I think many saints must have felt lonely, unsure and yet so convicted (and please don't get me wrong- I'm nowhere close to being a saint haha... my point is simply that I find comfort in their stories). This year for Lent, I've decided to read a book for lent as a part of my added prayer. A priest recently recommended that I read more about the saints. I'll be honest, I've never read any books about the saints. I've always heard their stories but never read more than a short life summary or quote... partly because I never enjoyed reading until recently. But I thought this was the perfect suggestion because of what I mentioned earlier- I think we can take such comfort from hearing that we are not alone in our struggles and it is possible to remain faithful in this world of uncertainty, fleeting peace, temporary life. All you holy men and women, angels and saints of God.... pray for us.



So as the journey of Lent begins tomorrow, I pray for peace from God for you and me, peace that this world cannot give. 

St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle. Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the Devil. May God rebuke him we humbly pray, and do thou, O Prince of the heavenly hosts, by the power of God, thrust into hell Satan, and all evil spirits, who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls. 

Jesus Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world, have mercy on us.
Jesus Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world, have mercy on us.
Jesus Lamb of God, you take away the sins of the world, grant us peace.

Wrestling with God

If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world. -C.S. Lewis

My heart has been very heavy for the past few months and I've been working with my spiritual director to pin point some of the reasons I'm feeling this way. Pardon me if I get pretty honest... recently I've wondered if there are any blogs out there that talk about how other people have dealt with the struggles I'm enduring, but I'm not even sure of how to go about searching for such blogs... So I figured I'd write my own with the hope that maybe someday, someone else will need to read what I've posted here. 

So here's a few things that are weighing on my heart: 1. stuggles with a desire to be alone and quiet at home when I live with a roommate (not that my roommate is bad- just how to be cordial when I'm not feeling social and want to have quiet). 2. I want to be at the barn full time but that's not an option right now. 3. Grieving the loss of multiple close family friends last year. 4. Grieving the loss of a good friend, who was eventually a boyfriend, and moving beyond that relationship. 5. Wrestling with God to understand His will and decipher His voice from my own from the devil.

Some may think I'm venting or seeking attention by spelling out my struggles- I'm not. I'm simply trying to be honest with where I am. So often I feel like people feel the need to share only the "good" online and then the minute they share sad or tough news, someone gets perturbed and thinks the person who made the post is negative or pessimistic. I hope you can understand my intent here is simply to be me and hope that some day someone else will be inspired.  While sometimes I dooo feel guilty for being honest with my emotions, I also believe strongly that everyone carries a cross- they may look different or be made of different materials but some weight the same. 

SO. I want to expand a little on the 5th item I mentioned above. I'm realizing this is one of the most difficult  things to learn in life. In fact, I don't think we ever really learn how to easily decipher God's voice from our own from the devil. There are obvious times we know who we're listening to- thoughts of shame, discouragement, negativity or criticism towards ourselves and others? Definitely the devil. Thoughts of joy, encouragement, positive outlooks, and acceptance? Thoughts of God. Okay great, glad we have a solid understanding of who's who. But then what about discernment of decisions and career paths and relationships!? My mom and dad have told me that this has been an issue since I was young. Unsure of how to make decisions at restaurants to the point of crying in the restaurant, unsure of how to make a decision with friends for fear of not pleasing someone, etc... Well, I still struggle with this today. I'm learning that I've been very blessed with the gift of hearing God very clearly at times. This is such a gift and yet such a struggle because A. I question myself and everything wayyyy too much (i.e. I'm a woman) and B. sometimes the things I hear in prayer are difficult to share with others because they seem so outlandish and crazy. I'll share an example of hearing the voice of God-- Rewind to May 2012. I was planning to stay a 2nd year with GSV in New Jersey as a volunteer. One Sunday, I got to church by accident 30 minutes early. I decided to sit and pray and as I prayed, I felt an overwhelming sense of God suddenly telling me I needed to return to Colorado. I immediately started listing my sadness and fears: "But I'm so happy in New Jersey! I'm the best "me" I've ever been! I LOVE the work I'm doing at Collier! I don't have a job! I don't have a car! I don't have a place to live aside from my parents house! My resume isn't ready!" Then God quietly said, "You're going to have to trust me"... (insert gulp here)... Throughout the following weeks, scripture I read would constantly affirm the idea of trusting God and His will for me to return to Colorado. Fast forward almost 3 years, I've been working at a design firm for almost 2.5 years, my dad helped me in the search for a car after I got home so I now drive my own car, and guess what, I've always had a roof over my head. Praise Him! Anddddd once again I believe I have heard the voice of God in my life now and question his capacity. I'm back at the point I was in the church in New Jersey. I've struggled with thoughts of "is this actually just me and am I being a crazy overthinking woman? If nothing is "working out" as I thought God foretold, should I choose other paths? Or not question but continue in child-like "Abraham" faith to believe that someday, somehow, God will make this a part of my life and be pleased with my loyalty to Him? Should I look back on paths I've taken before that have been happy even though they came to a dead end? maybe they dead ended for a reason even though I thought they were "good"? This post is starting to get long... But this is where I am in the struggle. Just very unsure. Struggling to trust. Struggling to know if I'm listening to God. Struggling to know how to heal my heart and carry on from last year. 

I'll leave you with this... All of my post above seems like a wrestling match with my thoughts and God. It physically feels like that. Soooo this past week I went to daily mass twice (once rarely happens so this was a true gift) and simply sat without intention of doing anything. To be present there and not be hard on myself for getting distracted, to allow my thoughts to wonder with God, to listen to the readings without expectations, and to simply be. I will say the two daily masses I attended last week were more fruitful than any masses I've been to in the past 3-6 months. That tells me God desires us to simply beeeee with Him. We may not know what to say or pray. Just say "Jesus". That in itself is a prayer I've found to be so life-giving. It reminds us of the presence of God and allows us to simply be present back to Him. The peace I felt at daily mass last week was not of this world. I have never ever experienced that same peace after any event or activity that is of this world. The only place I've ever felt it before has been at the Mass, in the presence of the living God... C.S. Lewis was on to something there...