Wrestling with God

If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world. -C.S. Lewis

My heart has been very heavy for the past few months and I've been working with my spiritual director to pin point some of the reasons I'm feeling this way. Pardon me if I get pretty honest... recently I've wondered if there are any blogs out there that talk about how other people have dealt with the struggles I'm enduring, but I'm not even sure of how to go about searching for such blogs... So I figured I'd write my own with the hope that maybe someday, someone else will need to read what I've posted here. 

So here's a few things that are weighing on my heart: 1. stuggles with a desire to be alone and quiet at home when I live with a roommate (not that my roommate is bad- just how to be cordial when I'm not feeling social and want to have quiet). 2. I want to be at the barn full time but that's not an option right now. 3. Grieving the loss of multiple close family friends last year. 4. Grieving the loss of a good friend, who was eventually a boyfriend, and moving beyond that relationship. 5. Wrestling with God to understand His will and decipher His voice from my own from the devil.

Some may think I'm venting or seeking attention by spelling out my struggles- I'm not. I'm simply trying to be honest with where I am. So often I feel like people feel the need to share only the "good" online and then the minute they share sad or tough news, someone gets perturbed and thinks the person who made the post is negative or pessimistic. I hope you can understand my intent here is simply to be me and hope that some day someone else will be inspired.  While sometimes I dooo feel guilty for being honest with my emotions, I also believe strongly that everyone carries a cross- they may look different or be made of different materials but some weight the same. 

SO. I want to expand a little on the 5th item I mentioned above. I'm realizing this is one of the most difficult  things to learn in life. In fact, I don't think we ever really learn how to easily decipher God's voice from our own from the devil. There are obvious times we know who we're listening to- thoughts of shame, discouragement, negativity or criticism towards ourselves and others? Definitely the devil. Thoughts of joy, encouragement, positive outlooks, and acceptance? Thoughts of God. Okay great, glad we have a solid understanding of who's who. But then what about discernment of decisions and career paths and relationships!? My mom and dad have told me that this has been an issue since I was young. Unsure of how to make decisions at restaurants to the point of crying in the restaurant, unsure of how to make a decision with friends for fear of not pleasing someone, etc... Well, I still struggle with this today. I'm learning that I've been very blessed with the gift of hearing God very clearly at times. This is such a gift and yet such a struggle because A. I question myself and everything wayyyy too much (i.e. I'm a woman) and B. sometimes the things I hear in prayer are difficult to share with others because they seem so outlandish and crazy. I'll share an example of hearing the voice of God-- Rewind to May 2012. I was planning to stay a 2nd year with GSV in New Jersey as a volunteer. One Sunday, I got to church by accident 30 minutes early. I decided to sit and pray and as I prayed, I felt an overwhelming sense of God suddenly telling me I needed to return to Colorado. I immediately started listing my sadness and fears: "But I'm so happy in New Jersey! I'm the best "me" I've ever been! I LOVE the work I'm doing at Collier! I don't have a job! I don't have a car! I don't have a place to live aside from my parents house! My resume isn't ready!" Then God quietly said, "You're going to have to trust me"... (insert gulp here)... Throughout the following weeks, scripture I read would constantly affirm the idea of trusting God and His will for me to return to Colorado. Fast forward almost 3 years, I've been working at a design firm for almost 2.5 years, my dad helped me in the search for a car after I got home so I now drive my own car, and guess what, I've always had a roof over my head. Praise Him! Anddddd once again I believe I have heard the voice of God in my life now and question his capacity. I'm back at the point I was in the church in New Jersey. I've struggled with thoughts of "is this actually just me and am I being a crazy overthinking woman? If nothing is "working out" as I thought God foretold, should I choose other paths? Or not question but continue in child-like "Abraham" faith to believe that someday, somehow, God will make this a part of my life and be pleased with my loyalty to Him? Should I look back on paths I've taken before that have been happy even though they came to a dead end? maybe they dead ended for a reason even though I thought they were "good"? This post is starting to get long... But this is where I am in the struggle. Just very unsure. Struggling to trust. Struggling to know if I'm listening to God. Struggling to know how to heal my heart and carry on from last year. 

I'll leave you with this... All of my post above seems like a wrestling match with my thoughts and God. It physically feels like that. Soooo this past week I went to daily mass twice (once rarely happens so this was a true gift) and simply sat without intention of doing anything. To be present there and not be hard on myself for getting distracted, to allow my thoughts to wonder with God, to listen to the readings without expectations, and to simply be. I will say the two daily masses I attended last week were more fruitful than any masses I've been to in the past 3-6 months. That tells me God desires us to simply beeeee with Him. We may not know what to say or pray. Just say "Jesus". That in itself is a prayer I've found to be so life-giving. It reminds us of the presence of God and allows us to simply be present back to Him. The peace I felt at daily mass last week was not of this world. I have never ever experienced that same peace after any event or activity that is of this world. The only place I've ever felt it before has been at the Mass, in the presence of the living God... C.S. Lewis was on to something there...

Happy Hearts

Check out my Jennifer Kate!!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Merry Christmas! It was a wonderful day here at the Skrobacz house yesterday, and we even had a white Christmas! The first Christmas gift came on Christmas Eve when I was able to attend Christmas Eve Mass with my parents and a couple of my siblings. My heart was so happy to be there with everyone. I loveeee going to mass so when my family goes, too, it brings me more joy than I can say! 

We slept in on Christmas morning, and after getting up and having a cup of coffee, Kate and Nathan came up from their place in Boulder. Every Christmas morning, we start out with my dad reading a list of exciting events that have happened for each person in our family throughout the previous year. It's wonderful to reflect on the blessings of the year. More and more I am realizing that sometimes crosses become very heavy during life, so the list my dad reads is a great reminder of the joys in life that we have to carry us! After my dad reads the list, we open "secret santa" gifts. Instead of getting something little for everyone, we all draw names from a hat at Thanksgiving and get one nice thing for one person in the family. After secret santas, we open our stockings and then the rest of the gifts under the tree. I think this year more than any other, the best gift of all was to be with family. I think I can speak for everyone when I say that we all enjoyed the company of one another this year and felt refreshed. After gifts, we all had a little breakfast and relaxed. Then, I went down to visit Kathy and Jen and give them their gifts. My heart ached missing our little brother, Connor, so I was glad to just enjoy some time with Kathy and Jen. Here's my girl during our visit: 

PS- melts my heart when she does the squinty nose smile. I just love this pretty lady. 

After visiting for a few hours with them, I returned home and our family decorated gingerbread houses- such fun! Then we cleaned up and made room for the feast my mom was preparing all day. She's a wonderful cook and I'm so grateful for the family dinners spent laughing, sharing, and loving around the dining room table.

I think another joy from this Christmas was the joy I felt from my family and friends supporting me pursing what I love. My parents put a stuffed animal horse in my stocking and it was so endearing to me. I brought it to Jen's to show her and she wanted to name him "Bud"... so Bud it is. I also may or may not have made my gingerbread house into a "gingerbread barn". It gives me so much hope that my family believes in me and inspires me to want to encourage others to pursue what brings them joy. 

So as we enter into 2015, I hope to continue seeking a deeper relationship with God so that I may come to a better understanding of who He created me to be. I feel more and more alive every time I leave the riding center, so I can't help but believe that this is a part of what shapes my heart and soul. My older sister, Kate, told me last week that she heard this quote- "If something is both terrifying and  amazing, pursue it with all your heart." As I've mentioned, I couldn't be more grateful for the love and support of family and friends. Wishing everyone a very God blessed, happy, healthy, and self-loving year ahead! 

Fuel For Life

I've debated whether or not to write about this but I figured I would. I'm a pretty open book and if nothing else, it's good for me to look back on these posts to see where I've been. 

When I was a sophomore in college my doctor pulled gluten out of my diet. Being a college student and then fresh out of college with no money, I wasn't able to stick to it all of the time. I tried my best to stay away from it, especially at home, so that when I would go out to eat or there weren't other options, I would allow myself to have it. I've worked with my doctor regularly since then, and this week he laid down the law again... time to really focus on eliminating gluten and sugar from my regular diet. My body really doesn't process gluten, yeast, and sugar well. Gluten isn't as much of a problem for me as sugar--- #chocoholic. I am hoping that by writing about it on my blog, I'll be able to be more honest with you/myself and hold myself more accountable. I'll try not to be obsessive about it, but since it needs to be my lifestyle 100% of the time, you may see it come up once in a while. I have a deep desire for a simple life, and while it can be challenging to see resistance of temptations like food as "simple", the idea of a simple diet has always been so appealing to me. If we think about some of our ancestors, they lived on a verryyyy simple diet. None of this processed food. Yes, it tastes great, but it doesn't fuel our bodies as natural, whole foods do. Anyways, here begins my journey of really dedicating my diet to food that fuels my body. 

I feel like my previous post and this one have been very open and honest about some of the ways I'm changing my life... I guess you could say a mini "quarter life crisis".... but I can also say I feel like I'm simply becoming more fully me and pursing the things that make me the best version of myself. As many women do, I sometimes struggle with finding ways to love myself. I've realized that I actually DO loveeee that I love the simple, western life style. It lights a fire in my soul. I realize life is a journey filled with many ups and downs, but I'm trying to figure out how to have more "ups" than "downs". I'm excited to see how doors open in 2015 for me to pursue the healthiest ..."unbridled".... version of myself <3 font="" nbsp="">

Back in the Saddle Again

Well, it's been quiteeee some time since i've made any entries and I'm not sure anyone follows this anymore, but I would like to get "back in the saddle again" and write on here more, simply to document my journey and have something to look back upon. 

The greatest joy in my life right now is volunteering and riding at Colorado Springs Therapeutic Riding Center. I spend Sundays working with the kiddos and get to ride myself on Fridays. I absolutely love every minute I get at the riding center. It truly is what brings me joy and I am so grateful for the opportunities I've been given to participate so much at CSTRC! I have fallen in love with the horses there and it's been neat to nourish friendships with them, too. After talking with many wonderful friend and family, I've come to a new understanding of pursing the things we love. I'm not quite sure if I can express the passion and love I have for the riding center... so I suppose it is what I must pursue! My friend, Erin, asked me tonight if I would call it an "unbridled love" hahaha... punny and YES! Unbridled love :) The riding center empowers the kids that ride and has truly changed so many lives, including my own. For those who don't know, the horses's gait is closest to that of a human, so it's very physically therapeutic for people, as well as emotionally and mentally. My friend, Jen, has been taking lessons since she was very young. She's the reason I started volunteering at therapeutic riding centers. I would go with her and watch when we were little, and when I was old enough, I started volunteering and helping with her lessons. Her mom, Kathy, swears by therapeutic riding and believes it's the only physical therapy that has worked for Jen. I have to agree. When I side-walked with Jen in high school, she was very weak and had little to no core strength. It would take myself and another person walking next to the horse just to hold her up straight on the horse. Kathy recently sent me a photo of Jen (below) and, while she still needs some assistance, her strength is clearly much improved and I was impressed to see that one of the sidewalkers is basically just there as a spotter! The slogan at CSTRC is "the ultimate horse power" and indeed, it is! The second picture below is Jen getting kisses from Sugar after a lesson :) 

When I grow up I wanna be like Jen, so I guess an obvious first step is to get up on the horse every week, right?! ;) Here's me on Broadway, my main man at CSTRC.

Thanks for riding along with me on this journey... It's wonderful to share with so many beautiful people. More to follow... 

Losing weight vs losing weight

Why hello! It's been a little while... The working world gets in the way sometimes ;) Things are going well with my job. I was given the opportunity to go on an installation in Nebraska last week- it was great to see a project come to life! :)

I've been feeling called to write about my Lenten journey for this year which will require me to be pretty open and honest... but hey, we're all wounded, right!? This year, I felt convicted when someone asked how our Lenten sacrifices or "fasts" will bring us closer to God. So many people, especially us ladies, give up chocolate or cookies in hopes of losing weight. While I don't judge anyone who is doing this and can totally relate to this desire because I've been guilty of it in the past, my perspective changed this year. I was thinking about the idea of "losing weight". I really feel that Lent is not about losing weight in the physical sense, but rather losing the weight of a cross we bear by drawing close to God. For me, my fast relates to food but let me explain... Here's where I get honest- before Lent started, I snacked a lottt when I got home from work. I didn't really even think about it sometimes. So, I decided to give up snacking and try to better plan my meals for weeknights, remembering that it's more about being healthy and taking care of my body than controlling the food I eat. Let me also say that I've already failed a couple times since lent has begun. I'm human and I'm far from perfect. But I'm still trying. And praying. A lot. And that's where I try to focus on being happy and healthy in my relationship with God... not losing weight physically, but rather spiritually. Last time I checked, Christ endured the biggest cross of all- so what makes us think He can't help us with our crosses? In being obedient to God through a "fast" during Lent, we can only grow stronger in our faith, so long as our focus and fasts are purposeful. If Jesus fasted for 40 days, so can we... and we don't have to do it alone!  I am so grateful for my family and friends who are willing to meet me where I'm at and love me through my "human-ness"... I've been very blessed by so many peoples' insights, perspectives, and experiences. Chances are, you who are reading this, are one of those people. And chances are, the cross you bear has been endured by another person you know, and that someone is willing to walk with you as a "Simon" figure, lifting a little bit of the weight. My hope is that everyone would know how much they are loved and come to a greater understanding of their worth in Christ, sharing the crosses we bear during this Lenten season.

As a final note, I want to mention that so often we feel "controlled" by things like religion or traditions in the church... or like it's "weird" to be so devout, or that those who don't have the "right" focus for Lent are doing it "wrong".  I put quotes around "right" and "wrong" because I don't have the answers to everything. I may think I know in my heart what is "right" but that doesn't mean that someone else's way/opinion that is different than mine is "wrong"... Again it comes back to trust in the Lord, asking HIM for the answers to what you should be doing as an individual for Lent, and making your time purposeful for your life and relationship with God. God loves each of us and wants to make the most of our life. The way we respond can either make the weight of our cross heavier or lighter... the choice is up to us.

"The God of angel armies is always by my side" - Chris Tomlin

All things new

Oh boy... It's been a while since I've posted because lots has changed! I've barely been online at all because I've been in the process of moving to Colorado Springs to work at a design firm! God's truly had a hand in all of this... Of course I've done some of the leg work but I've tried to trust fully on His will. It's worked out pretty well so far and I'm challenged each day to remain completely reliant on Him. I will say my Nana seems to be present in all of this too... Before I got hired, I had to come to two different interviews. On my way to the second interview, I was praying/thinking of my Nana and about 10 seconds later, a car drove by with the license plate "NANANME" (nana 'n me)... crazy or what!? Soo... they hired me part time and I decided to move and look for another part time job... three weeks later, they hired me on full time! They specialize in specialty clinics (eye doctors, surgical centers, etc) so it's just what I was looking for... again, a great gift! I got to start designing this past week... I'm working on a remodel for a pediatric center. It's exciting to see the work of my degree come in to fruition. I still have the thought of teaching in my head but I'm excited and thankful for this experience. It's definitely opening my eyes to the stresses and realities of the working world but for now, I'm just trying to stay present in each moment and enjoy this new adventure! I know there's a lot more to discuss but I have to get myself together for the week. Hope all are well!

Oh... PS- my mom and I went up to Peak to Peak highway a few weeks ago before I moved and saw this... pretty amazing